Coulrophobia.

coulrophobia. ever heard of that? maybe not. it's a name of phobia. it means fear of clown. well, maybe for some of u it might sound stupid or ridicules. it is even irrational to have this kind of phobia sometimes. but even tho i hate to say it. i admit. i had this kind of phobia. i hate clowns. since i was a kid, i'm always afraid of them. and it get worse sometimes it even became my nightmares. i also have other kinds of fear. but this is the one that i mostly hate.

it's all begin since i was a kid. well. at that time i live in jb. near the south coast of johor. so even we use a normal antenna for our tv. we can get the signal for singapore channels. so my favorite channel back then was channel 5. at that time. there is no other channel that is more interesting than that, even channels from m'sia. and i use to watch movies on that channel at night every weekend. i couldn't remember how old i 'm back then. maybe 6 or 7 years old. but i was never afraid of anything. so, one night, as usually, my family would be sleeping early. so i was all alone watching tv till i'm sleepy then i go to bed. so that night i watch a horror movie. and i couldn't remember the title of that particular movie as i don't want to remember it at all. because that movie totally scare the shit out of me.. what i can recall is that, the story is about a clown who is already dead, but came back to live and eat little children. and all that he use to lure little kid to follow him was using ice-creams, candies and stuff like that so the child would follow him wherever he wanted them to go. and then after done fattening them. HE ATE THE KID BIT BY BIT! it's was all gore. blood was everywhere. every kid he ate scream for help. but non of them survive. :(  and that's not all. there was this scene when he joins a birthday party of a kid and start a massacre! killing everyone on sight. he even cut off the head of the birthday boy's father. and gave it to that boy! the story ended with the disappearance of the clown. and nobody know either he will come back or gone forever. that night. after watching that movie.  i had a nightmare of clowns coming after me. since that day. i fear clown. :(

how could i watch that kind of movie at such age. no wonder it got stuck in my head. hmm..  but now, since i'm all grown up, i think i'm a little bit okay than when i was a child. i can control my fear towards people who wear misfit dress and had ugly face make-up on em and wearing weird wig on their head plus that red nose. but i do still fear them. i just hold it in. sometimes whenever i saw them in any occasions. somehow, i hope the fear will gone one day.

u see, that's how the media does it, they fucked up with your mind. implant fears in our brain. mold our thought into what they wanted us to think. giving us the definition of beauty and ugly. the definition of fear, hate and love. teach us what to wear and not to. telling us to do this and that even it's not right. u guys ever think of that? i guess not many of u know that. because we were feed with lies after lies since we were kid through television. and it has been a part of our daily life. watching that stupid box of puppet show. we should start seeing things from another point of view. we need to go out more and see the world with our own eyes. a wise man said " beauty is in the eye of the beholder" it means we define beauty from our own eyes and our own thought. that is why beauty is a subjective thing to talk about. we are the one who define what do we like and what do we hate. and so i think i should stop my bebel here. because i have to turn the lights on. my room is getting dark. =_="

goodbye for now.